Queer Family, Tangles, and My Writing Practice

(Here is a long post! It’s clearly been too long since I have written here.)

I’ve been getting Vibes from the Ironwood. Hela seems sisterly, Fenris looks like a brother, Angrboda is both scary and motherly, and Loki is like, not just a gay uncle, but maybe a queer dad. This reflects my need for a queerness in my pantheon and my family.

I’m the eldest queer in my bio family. I have a little brother who recently came out as bi. I have a distant cousin who, I think, might also be bi. But as the first to come out and break down barriers, it was really hard on me. So, to have queer divine family who shine on me, want me to be well, and encourage my wildness is really healing.

My other household deities, too, are encouraging me to look at them queerly. Freya told me once in a dream, years ago, that she was celebrating a thirty year anniversary with a human god-wife. I’ve been remembering that, and trying to think of Freya as a queer goddess of love. And Frey too, we know, has a queerer side… I like to think he’s friends with Dionysus and maybe they go to sex parties together.

I am listening to Wardruna’s new album as I write this. My dad and his girlfriend got me the vinyl for my birthday. I’m grateful to be older, wiser, calmer, and hopefully more compassionate to my younger self.

My last household deity, is, of course, Odin.

He and I have spent all of this year discussing how I might deepen my bond to him, either with or without an oath. I’m still reflecting, daydreaming, and pondering this. He’s encouraged me to go extremely slow and dream big.

Looking at him so closely did burn me out for a few weeks. I learned three things:

  • I do need to center myself as well, and prioritize my dreams. I can’t root my hobbies in God. So, for example, I have been daydreaming about learning martial arts. But, I don’t want to think this is a requirement from Odin to go be a warrior. I want to do it for fun, for my well-being, and my own interest.
  • Wandering away from the gods is an intrinsic part of my path. I am researching Buddhism, the Jewish Sabbath, and other things right now.
  • Taking breaks is important! It’s ok to stop worshiping sometimes. (Also, researching the Sabbath is interesting because it shows how rest can be an integral part of faith and still be an honour to Deity.)

There’s also an issue between him and I on how to keep my writing practice. When am I writing for him, when am I writing for me, how am I gonna pursue writing long-term, etc. There’s an oral storytelling class I think I’d like to take after my Masters degree, but at the same time, I want to do it because I want to and not because the gods are handing me some destiny of being a skald, you know? I want to tell stories for the joy of it, not because I’m oathbound to Odin to do so. I’ll keep being mindful of these boundaries. At least, I hope I will. This could snarl and go badly quite easily, I fear.

I don’t actually have to oath to Odin and/or the gods. It’s not obligatory. And I do fear, of course, repeating what happened in my last spiritual romance, and needing to dissolve the oath. That would suck. So I am really thinking this though. It could be better to remain without an oath and just go do my fun human things.

We’ll see. I told myself I would take the whole summer to daydream, but I was thinking this morning, maybe I ought to take the whole year and really deepen this wait for a potential oath. Odin did say it was like wine–it only gets better as you wait. Additionally, a friend recommended a trial oath, which would be a great wait to dip my toe in the waters of devotion without pledging lifelong service/devotion/what-have-you.

I find daydreaming to be a healing, wholesome, and potent practice right now, so I am going to keep doing that!

I hope you all are well and enjoying the sunshine. ❤

A Visit from Frey

“I want you to be happy,” he said.

I couldn’t see him, exactly, but I could feel his essence: warm sunshine on a summer afternoon. I got a profound sense that he is happy, loves happiness, values it, and wants to spread it.

“Eat well, play well, and be well,” he added.

And not to say, here, that I am not happy or well. But, what with a lot of work at the beginning of the year, and the pandemic going on, I think I’ve been more serious-minded. (Frey also noted that Odin has me invested in the life of the mind a lot, and that I need to connect to my body too!)

He wants to be a household god along with his sister Freya, Loki, and Odin. I’m not sure I’m gonna have spare cash for a statue since I am going back to school soon. But I could print an image! Lately, my trio of household deities have been associating themselves with the elements. Freya noted that I was missing the element of Earth, and naturally she said, “Hey! You know my brother. You’re friends with Frey, right? You should talk to him!”

Because as any devotee of Freya knows, she often brings her brother along.

If I understood him right, he may have also asked me to honour his parents, Njord and Nerthus, at Freyfaxi, rather than him but that will take some checking by divination and omen. I have no idea why he wants me to meet them, other than that Njord and I both enjoy boating and might get along.

Now that I think of it, Freya has been hinting for awhile that spending time in a Vanatru-mindset might be good for me. I’ve been distracted from that message because I’ve also been trying to reconnect with Loki again. I focused so much on Queen Guinevere from late 2017 to 2019, then Odin and Frigga at the beginning of 2020… at this point I kinda feel like I am reintroducing myself to Team Norse. While it’s true I’ve been a heathen for nine years, it was a very scattered nine years filled with illness, delusions, and mental pain. So, now that I’m well, I am slowly edging back into a more thoughtful, connected Heathenry.

I did try to start monthly rites for different Heathen deities but concluded that celebrating the holidays, plus one day per month focusing on a rotating household deity is enough for now.

I’m really excited to see Frey. I think his happiness will teach me to prioritize my well-being more.