I thought I’d come to this post with more hope. I have good days and bad days. This year has been tough: working at a pharmacy during a pandemic, getting extra driving practice lessons, and starting a new degree has taken a lot of energy out of me. Even one of my favourite video games ever, Dragon Age: Inquisition, isn’t holding my interest.
My faith feels really broken.
Some days I feel okay with the gods, and other days I don’t want them near me at all. Freya had asked me to worship the Vanir this summer and I feel like I let her down.
I poked around a little at Judaism and Buddhism in the past three months. Both religions are interesting, but I find sustaining any attention to these religions to be hard. I keep NOPE-ing out of books on these topics.
I don’t think I am depressed, because on a daily basis, I am cheerful enough and get my shit done. But there is a part of me that’s just really concerned about my faith, or lack of it.
Odin and Loki trying waving to get my attention, and for me to deepen my faith in them as my two most main deities (even beyond Freyr and Freya). There are too many roadblocks there. Godspousery appeals to me, especially with those two, but… it feels like a secret I would have to keep. When I used to come out about spirit spousery with Queen Guinevere with friends, it always felt like… an almost shameful thing to talk about. I want to have a devotional practice I can talk about freely without feeling like I’m revealing this weird secret about myself.
And besides, a long-term devotional practice, bound by an oath, doesn’t feel sustainable right now. Not that I would rush in to such a thing, either, but just the idea of it is stressful, so clearly it’s not a good path.
I could switch to another pagan faith. But I think I’d end up NOPE-ing out of books on witchcraft and paganism too (actually, I know this is true because I have at least five unfinished or unread heathen books on my ereader). And it’s not like school is keeping me too busy to read for fun. So far, I really am keeping up with personal reading! (We will see how long that lasts of course!).
When I ponder my faith now, I wonder if I have reached a point of secular or agnostic paganism. There are days where the gods and spirits feel like a mental show I have put on for myself, and now that I am through with my mental illness (or the worst symptoms are gone now anyway), it’s as if my mind has healed itself through these god-characters. And that could be true! Maybe Queen Guinevere, Odin, Loki, and the rest were all just characters to help me process my shit and heal from psychosis. But it doesn’t explain how Queen Guinevere came about, way before psychosis even hit me. It’s a mystery that I am ok with for now.
I’ve been writing haiku for more than a year now, and that’s felt more sustainable to me than devotion. Funnily enough, it’s been helping me access my love of nature more than paganism has.
I’m not sure how to end this post. I am in this weird faithless godless place and I am trying to reconcile myself to it.