I think one of the many reasons why my relationship to Queen Guinevere didn’t survive was what she represented was what I was trying to get away from: Christianity and the nuclear family. Back then, I felt a certain horror at their faith in the Christian God, a dislike of the very binary King/Queen dynamic (even though it is useful and beautiful too!), and on a more basic level, the fact that my spiritual partner was a woman, and not a man.
I think I should address that last point. For the past few years, I’ve felt that my long-term human partner will likely be a man. This may not turn out to be true of course–I have several bi friends who settled down with opposite sex partners.
I also think the fact that Queen Guinevere picked me first, before I had time to explore paganism, might’ve… affected things. She came to me first and suggested spirit-spousery before I knew what it was, before I even knew what paganism was, before I was clear on my sexuality, and before I knew who the gods were at all. Looking back, I would’ve liked more time to explore without committing to her immediately. I know her to be a very fair, loving person who cares a lot about justice, but at the same time, that claim felt/feels unfair. I guess both can be true.
Another thing I struggled with when engaging with the Arthurian pantheon was the need to be good and do good. It felt very tied into being what someone was called me “a good Christian girl”. (Actually, being called that was what really made me realize I needed to break from the church for sure and go live out my truth as a queer trans man.) The Grail myth, itself, didn’t work for me so much because it felt so tied to Jesus. I did try to compare it to the Mead of Poetry–which did sort of succeed!–but ultimately, Heathenry became my predominant faith. I think the wildness of Heathenry is more appealing than the formal warriorship of the Arthurian court. I just like dancing around bonfires and screaming in the face of heathen deities more than… well, I’m just glad I never really took an oath to be a Grail knight.
Nowadays, I do like to think King Arthur, Lancelot, and Queen Gwen are in a polyamorous triad together though. Similar to how Achilles and Patroclus love each other unto death, I think King Arthur and Sir Lancelot do too. (Plus, have you seen all the fan fic about those two?!) I try to be generous and kind to those spirits. I don’t want to be bitter towards them.
Queen Guinevere and I promised to be kind to each other during and after the divorce. I think we succeed, for the most part.
I suppose I am still untangling the remains of my spiritual history.