Last night, as I tried to sleep I was turning over in my mind certain aspects of my practice. What did I want? What seemed interesting?
Today, I had some intense realizations. The gods really strongly told me, X is what is not working and you need to stop pursuing it. It’s making you sick. And while the message did come out rather harshly–and Odin seemed annoyed–I do think They, the gods and goddesses, meant it in the best and kindest possible way.
It seems like lots of pagans do X, but for me it just does not work. It made me feel stupid and rejected, you know, not to notice before, or really understand how bad it was. Like, I *knew*, but now, it’s really clear. I called a friend to talk about it who congratulated me on this clarity.
I still don’t feel great and need time to mule this over. I was gonna go to an online Troth event tonight, but I think it might be more restful to play video games and have tea.
Freya really emphasized that She was trying to help me resuscitate my practice. She encouraged me to go back to the drawing board and rethink what I want. I’m also rethinking deities and learning how to interpret them anew.
And I did take time to think about that stuff today.
Two groups of spirits have been sending me vibes lately. Both are groups I’ve interacted with before, quite extensively, but not with this degree of good health. These opportunities are chances to start again. I do have frameworks for both, having done a lot of research already, but there’s so much more research to do hahaha.
Anyway, this first group of spirits would require me to be quite serious in my efforts with them, so I am taking time to really think if this is what I want. I want to be careful to focus on devotion in the year ahead and try not to take on too much work. If I go too far too fast, I might burn out again. So, I’ll really have to ponder this one, or potentially just save it for later when me and my practice are stronger!
With the other group, King Arthur’s pantheon, I do feel pretty confident in following the Mysteries, even though it’s gonna be a solo effort with lots of experimentation. I’m basically poking at inventing my own devotional calendar, based on what’s important to me in his mythos. John and Caitlin Matthews’s Arthurian Magic does offer lots of group rituals and esoteric content, but not a lot of it speaks to me. I’m happier using the actual literature around King Arthur and co. to use as hymns.
I have this grand leatherbound book of Lord Alfred Tennyson’s Idylls of the King. (How I acquired this book is a story in itself that I’ll have to tell one day! With pictures!) So I could use that. …Additionally, I probably should read it cover-to-cover at some point haha. (I also have a leatherbound copy of T.H. White’s The Once and Future King that I could take pictures of for you all!) And for Queen Guinevere, I used to use an excerpt from Chretien de Troye’s Arthurian Romances as a hymn since Sir Gawain talks so kindly and lavishly about her, that it was perfect for an invocation. After much internal debate, I do feel comfortable inviting both of them back into my life. It’s a relief actually, since we’ve built up so much care and time together. I’m glad not to reject them.
Rereading this, I can’t believe I never took the time to invent a devotional calendar! But, really, I was horribly terribly sick and suffering, so observing the season with Queen Guinevere was enough at the time.
After my flirtation with Celtic Reconstructionist Paganism, I’m finding myself to be more and more interested in using recorded sources than I used to be. I was more focused on mysticism in the past. I’d still like to learn more about Ireland and Scotland, but possibly, less in a spiritual way and more in a grounded sense of history, literature, poetry, etc. I’ve signed up for an ancestry class, but it’s turning out to be more mystical and ancient than I thought. It’s still worth exploring though.
What are you learning or relearning this fall?