A few days ago, she sent me a dream. We almost battled but then she reminded me of my former oath to her. And after months of anger and resistance, I had a waking conversation with Queen Guinevere today. It was a formal conversation but still calm and friendly. I pulled cards from the Arthurian tarot to understand her intentions.
I do not think I will have a devotional bond with her again, but may pray to her on very sporadic occasions. She indicated that I am always welcome to visit. I do still have a strong bond with King Arthur, so I might take her up on that! We also talked about the gifts that I have remaining from that pantheon–just as I have walked away from the Norse while still holding onto the runes. I won’t name the Arthurian gifts I have, as they are private and still ongoing.
She finished the conversation by asking to bless me. I really appreciated the nod towards consent.
The conversation was much more formal than we used to be, but it’s better this way. I am glad I am not practicing spirit-spousery anymore. I don’t know if that path is going to be completely blocked for me. I still miss that style of practice quite often, but that’s also because I am lonely due to covid.
An online kindred friend suggested doing trial oaths of much more minor commitments, and I think that might be a cool thing to try. I think the oath framework is something that could work well for me. There’s no harm in removing the Beloved element, and trying oaths without spiritual romance. Actually, I think it will be greatly to my benefit and mental health! A different friend, G, strongly recommended returning to dating humans which is a wonderful practical idea, or would be practical were there not a plague going on.
I don’t want to write godspousery off entirely, but I think it’s not in the cards for me right now. Plus, I need to build new devotional bonds, and jumping in headfirst like that is a terrible idea.
(Just a small side-note: on my shield in the astral, I noticed no spiritual symbols, but only a question mark. This indicates my state of deep questioning of my practice, and emphasizes that I pretty much have no gods right now.)
I’m on good terms with a lot of deities from different pantheons, since I studied many religions before settling on heathenry and Arthurian practices, but now I am not actively worshiping anyone. It’s an odd feeling to be so at liberty.
I’ve had pings from a few different deities, and it’s been kinda uncomfortable as if my altar has a “for sale” sign on it. So I am being cautious with these pings. If the ping is making me that upset, I must be misinterpreting something.
I am inching towards looking at Irish and Scottish paganisms as that is where my heritage lies. I bought Morgan Daimler’s ebook on Irish Paganism and am checking out the School of Irish Paganism as well. I do want to check out Scottish stuff too but there seems to be less resources around, as far as I can tell. (If anyone has recommendations, please share!)
I’m getting the vibe that I am on the radar of a few potentially-upcoming deities but nothing is solid yet since I still need to do my research. I need hymns, invocations… I need to know more about these deities, etc. Also, I’d love to start to get a general understanding of the Irish pagan worldview. (Scottish too eventually, but there just seems to be less of it? Am I wrong about that? I hope I am.)
Yep. So that’s where I am at.