I’ve been struggling with the spirits lately. I really want to write fantastical stories, and I feel like gods get in the way.
There have been times where I’ve accidentally ended up semi-channeling spirits, or maybe just feeling like I was bumping into them while writing, or simply leaving the keyboard in frustration because what I was writing felt too close to my spiritual practice, and not an actual story.
King Arthur has been around lately, and with him, dragons too. And I thought about worshipping dragons, because they are rad. I love having visions of them, because dragons are my favourite mythological creature. But… worshipping a creature I would rather write about in a story seems… I just really want to be careful to not worship the genre I love, if that makes any sense. I love fairy tales, myths, and fantastical spectacular stories. I love Dungeons and Dragons. But I don’t want to worship games or novels.
It’s very frustrating.
(I know some of my friends do engage with pop culture paganism, but that is simply not my vibe.)
Yesterday, when I went for a walk, several strains of story I’ve been thinking about have begun to merge together to form a larger whole. I’m excited about it, because I want to try and do some worldbuilding. Admittedly, the story is still religious in tone, because right now I am really fascinated by monks and queer saints. But, I feel okay about it because these feel like genuine interests, and not something spirits are telling me or asking me to write.
(Plus, if I am reading about saints, that means researching Catholicism, which I feel like pagan spirits wouldn’t necessarily tell me to do? idk who knows)
When I was daydreaming about the story, I did get visions sometimes but I just let them flow by me like a stream. I didn’t find it distracting. I think that because I wasn’t focusing on communing with a spirit or trying to download info, the visions just went by.
I do not know if my extreme vulnerability for hallucinating increases my visions. If the doctors cure my hallucinations one day (please please please may it be so!), it is my hope that it will be MORE difficult to have a vision, or that they will be somehow easier to manage because I won’t also be hallucinating stuff sometimes.
I think this means I’ll be working with visions as I write out ideas for this story. I’m really getting the impression from the spirits that I have access to the Mead of Poetry / Grail / Cauldron of Inspiration. I’m learning to turn the tap on an off, especially at bedtime.
Honestly, there are times where I wish I didn’t have these powers, because hallucinating is awful, and sometimes I just wanna imagine things in my head without seeing visuals (be they hallucinations or visions). I do wanna clarify, I don’t have spiritual visions every day nor do I hallucinate/visualize every single time I imagine sometime. (Like, idk, if my brother says “omg imagine if we were in a band together?” I don’t get a vision about it or anything).
I’ve ordered a new pagan book called Art and Numen by Lo Ken. I’m hoping it will give me ideas on how to better understand this spiritual access that I have to visions, as an artist. I think a lot about Michelangelo, Raphael, and Botticelli who were clearly divinely inspired. I relate to them, even though I don’t know a lot about them.
I should also add: I have a small team of doctors on my case trying to help me figure this out. My hallucinations are not a mental health problem. They are an eye problem. There’s jelly loose in my eye or something–they’re not quite sure yet.
Ok, let me finish with something positive. I wrote a full short story last week! Yay! Even though I studied Creative Writing in university as my major, this feels like the first short story I’ve ever written with a clear idea and a solid ending, or possibility for ending. I don’t think I’ll publish it because there are enough gaffes in there, that I just need to muck around, learn, improve, and grow from the experience. But I had a lot of fun!
And some silly news: I started watching Good Omens with my dad. It is hilarious. If you want to watch a funny story about two friends, an angel and a demon, misplacing the Anti-Christ–here’s a gem for you.