Oaths Made in Sickness

During my years of mental illness, I went through a phrase where I basically thought every deity was mad at me*. It was really painful. There are still some deities I don’t talk to, not only because it’s painful but they’re also not part of pantheons I actually worship. Some deities just happened to reflect or get caught up in various delusions.

Particularly, while ill, I made a series of rash oaths and contracts. Given the illness, they were not… it wasn’t like… thoughtful or sensible as an oath ought to be. There were no witnesses. The definitions were… hm. Even thinking about those contracts, it just seems like a haze of pain.

Honestly, I think I was just super lonely and isolated. I destroyed the contracts and ended what were, in the end, false oaths, or even just plain old delusions.

Now, as a healthier pagan, I can see what happened. I know the errors, the community failures, and more that happened to me.

Sometimes, I think that making an oath to a deity would still be nice, but really, I need to prioritize my career, my art, my love life, etc. I’m not ready for an oath. But as a long-term goal, it might be a nice thought one day. It could be a healing act, perhaps, once I gain the wisdom and experience to be ready for such a thing.

Or, you know, I may never make an oath to a deity or try out being a fulltrui. A fulltrui is like promising to be a friend and public representative of a deity, without necessarily taking on priestly duties. It seems to be a lifelong commitment, so I would rather ponder and praise the gods in a calm way for now, and then when I’ve been a pagan for several more years, think about the question again.

Maybe I’ll just be a chill devotee and artist. It is #nopressurepagan2020 after all.

It might be better to think about making promises to humans! I do daydream about marriage one day. That might be a better oath to make one day, huh!

ok ok, I have to go chill and do chill things and be no pressure.



*for clarity’s sake here, I will affirm that this was not true.

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