So, one of the big reasons I broke up with Queen Guinevere–besides the delusions–was that being with her was taking away from my art. All the art I made was about her: love poems, doodles, etc.
I left her. I took a break from spirituality for maybe two and a half months.
In December and January, I started doing Norse stuff again. I bought runic prayer beads, some books on runes and sigils and hymns, and rebuilt my shrine. I daydreamed about monkhood. I intended to study the runes. I planned collages, a chapbook of rune poems, and paintings.
I`m an Aries who likes to take on big projects, and then, fails because they are Too Big.
Recently, I went to a Norse folk/ambient concert. While the music was incredible, the style seemed very shamanic and very Indigenous, despite being done by white performers. It left a bad taste in my mouth and a sour pit in my stomach. It seemed very culturally appropriative to me. A friend confirmed via text message that much of that style or genre was taken from the last remaining Indigenous group in Europe, the Saami of Siberia.
Then, today, I realized that now all my art was about Team Norse: kenning poems, alliterative poems, petroglyph drawings (which too seem to border on appropriation), and so on. My latest sketchbook is all Norse stuff.
I am fed up. I am fed up with teaching [ESL], with religious practices,
–I just want to make art.
I want to dedicate my time and energy to thinking and learning about art.
Now, I have this opportunity with the UU church to sit in 8 weeks of meetings about the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. This is a huge commitment to make with a new community when my faith is on the rocks as it is. These meetings might be able to help me examine the racism and colonial practices in Heathenry and in my country. But… I am very hesitant to sit in church.
I want to commit to art, not religion, so will being in the UU really help? Maybe I should talk to the minister about this concern.
UGH. Too many big questions.