So, I’ve caught myself daydreaming about the future. I’m a little shy about this but I want to try to write.
As background info, you’ll need to know I’m trying to get work in Japan. I’m waiting to hear back from a job now.
In my daydreams, I imagine–and yes there are white assumptions of privilege and the magic exoticism of the Other, I’m aware, but bear with me–that I meet some Bonsai master who takes me on as a student. I stay for a few years, learning. Maybe I go home to have a gender-confirming surgery and come back. I learn about trees. I gain a kind of status. Then I decide to become a Buddhist monk.
What’s important to me here is to read between the lines:
– the bonsai indicates a desire to tend to a healthy practice in the long-term, overseen by an elder or teacher
– the desire for mastery shows a healthy desire to become healthy, knowledgeable, and competent in practice
– the Buddhist part points to an interest in enlightenment. I also really deeply need and want to know how to meditate without receiving visions
– the monk aspect does indicate that some level of spiritual instinct exists. The desire to study, meditate, and pray are all gentle and good parts of spirituality.
Now while it would be nice to go become a Bonsai master (and I know some people do go and do that), I’m mostly just hoping for a school to work at that includes a garden club. If I meet any Bonsai hobbyists over there, I’ll be very lucky.
I think that going back to Buddhism for awhile is not a bad idea. There are some values to having an institution with teachers available. I realized today that one of the reasons why even Christianity looks appealing sometimes is because I know that a minister would be always there to guide, listen, and help.
Just to have a devoted spiritual teacher is so immensely appealing??? I’ve not found there to be a lot of options in my area for heathens. I did just get added into a local facebook group, but I’m only on polite terms with the leader and I don’t think it’s going to go farther than that for a lot of complicated reasons.
I dunno. I am going to go email that Buddhist temple in the next neighborhood over and ask when is a good time to come. Doing paganism alone is too hard, y’all. Sometimes I want to quit.
Odin sent me a vision today of a blue rosary and a silver Christ. I finally realized that those recent visions were from Odin and not a generic reflection of a desire for forgiveness. So, I think Odin is ok with whatever I need to do for myself.
I just… hope I can find a teacher one day. If anyone has a prayer for me, I could really use it.