Prompted by my good friend’s blog post “On discernment, discipline, mental illness, and witchcraft”, I thought I would update my blog.
First off, I want to say I was “B” in the above post. Osfairy, I hope you don’t feel guilty for accidentally prompting me to take a break! It was a healthy decision for me and I feel I have a lot more clarity. (And bitterness, but so it goes.)
They spoke of discipline:
Discipline takes on a weird taste when you have mental health issues, because laziness and discipline become weapons that partners, friends, family, society and establishments use to further punish and marginalize you.
Putting meditation discipline and the discipline of daily offerings into my life did me no good in the end. There were no fruits beyond stress and exhaustion. I was awfully hard on myself for not succeeding in these activities.
So… what’s the point of religion if not to bring joy, sanctuary, justice, and wisdom?
–onwards to updates, then.
Well, having permanently broken things off with Queen Guinevere, she is no longer in my life.
I’ve put away my reduced heathen shrine. Everything is in boxes and bags in my closet.
I still get occasional nudges from spirits, but they are rare and infrequent compared to before.
I met with a local spirit worker to talk things out. She at first tried to convince me to relearn grounding, centering, and shielding since I am still having problems with basic basic stuff but then I told her that I don’t even want visions right now. I don’t really want to interact with that stuff. It’s too easy to see pretty lights, colours, and to hear what I want. Visions are too insular and, with the way I feel now, they’re sorta useless? Like, do visions really bring any good to my life?
That conversation with that spirit worker friend helped me see that if I had had a pagan teacher or elder to speak with from the very beginnings of my practice, much of my delusions and illness could have been avoided. I told her, well, were I to continue practicing now, I would ask her, but now it’s too late.
She invited me to a Solstice party regardless so we’ll see how I feel. I don’t have any goals or hopes to paganism right now.
Last Friday, after watching a beautiful choir performance, I stood in front of a fake tree of silver lights in a park grove surrounded by real trees. I promised myself that I would not go back to religion without a teacher.
This morning, as I tossed and turned from an upset stomach, I had a dream that I was given a gift of a Valknut ring that shone like a diamond.
I was either Told or my unconscious-mind told myself that I ought not give it away until I find a husband.
I’m not sure why I should dream of such a thing when I am questioning all my religious pursuits.
The one hope I do have is to go to a Buddhist temple to ask anew how to meditate, and what to do with visions whilst meditating. Buddhists are experts, after all, and have been meditating for thousands of years. Who better to ask? (Plus, despite my heathenry, I still find Buddhism super interesting.)
I did look at my agenda today though, and noticed a libation to Dionysos coming up. I felt pretty friendly about it, looking at my scribble. I think a group ritual can’t hurt, particularly because it doesn’t require me to meditate or seek visions in any way. Plus libating Dionysos would be appropriate.
I’m not really sure what I want right now, beyond time and room to make art. That, at least, I can learn to give myself.