I’m so doubtful. I’ve cut off contact with the spirits for the most part.

Lady Guinevere managed to get through to me today to encourage me.

I’ve found that focusing all my writing and drawing practice on devotion then destroyed my desire to want to do those things. Falling into a rut of regularly producing devotional art just… kinda wrecked all the fun of it.

Poetry sorta survived because I sometimes wrote non-religious poetry but by the summer, that remnant had faded. Cross stitch, on the other hand, has only rarely been about devotion. For the most part my cross stitch has been for fun: D&D/RPG designs, gifts, and silly things. I’ve been stitching regularly for a little over a year now.

I just finished stitching a second Google dinosaur bookmark. I still need to cut it to size, wash and iron it though, for optimal use. Hypothetically I could use it as is, but there’s a mysterious pink stain on it that I want to wash off.

I’ve already picked out my next project: a werewolf and black cat (with pumpkins!) in a cemetery. It’s got 9 colours. I usually pick one-colour projects so this will be a good challenge for me! I’ve done a few 2-3 colour projects, of varying size, so I’m happy to go back to a broader colour palette.

I’ve also typed out a few sentences of a heartwarming and spooky gay romance that I want to write. I’m hoping to start writing fiction again. I haven’t really written any since I tried writing and editing a short story for Aphrodite last year. It was a decent idea, and I even paid an editor for it–having vaguely intended to get it published–but I lost motivation because it seemed too big a project. I think intending it for publication made me feel a lot of internal pressure.

It’s better to create for fun for now, I think. Lady Guinevere noticed today that I am trying to “demote” her as Muse because I am finding her to caught up in my artistic practice. I don’t know yet how to iron out these things. I’m still angry about the delusions and the over-commitment.

I am hoping that if I find a way to make a regular artistic practice, whatever that looks like to me, then I will find a way to preserve my marriage.

I want to borrow “The Creative Habit: Learn It and Use It for Life” from Twyla Tharp from the library. I think it could help.

I’ll stitch my way into something better…

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