For a good portion of this year, I thought I had half-elven fae astral children with Queen Guinevere. I told a few friends about it, who were willing to listen, if not believe.
Then, fortunately, I brought it up with a friend who is a witch. They pointed out to me that given that I did not consent to the births of these beings, nor did they seem to have a lot of consistency, these might be false spirits. Shaken but coherent, I agreed with them.
This friend also spoke of being cautious when it comes to making promises to spirits. They pointed out that, given that children are a huge responsibility, and making a (future) marriage oath to Lady Guinevere, would mean that my practice has no ABORT button.
While I was pretty calm during this conversation, when I got home, I pretty much immediately sat down with Lady Guinevere and told her I need to break up with her.
Things were quiet for a few days.
I sat with her today and realized that I can’t hear her very well because there is trust broken between us. I keep seeing visuals of a broken marriage ring. She seemed patient and encouraging however. She asked me to look at the situation through her eyes (so I mentally put on green-lensed glasses, as her eyes are green) and I saw a knight dragging a heavy weight. So, she seems very aware that I am struggling.
I don’t know if this break will be long term or short term. I do see now that I won’t be married to her for my whole life, and that one day, I’ll move onto something new.
I have a deep and abiding need to create art without devotional purpose. I want to make art for silliness and fun, rather than to uplift a deity or spirit.
I want to give myself several months off. Perhaps longer, if I need it. I want to commit myself to some kind of artistic practice. I just don’t know how to foster it yet. My friend M recommended the book The Artist’s Way to cultivate regular art, so we’ll see.
I am deeply reluctant to commit myself to daily meditation again. It’s a lot of visions, spirit presence, and bright colours. I am doubting that it is healthy. I talked to my online kindred, who agreed that meditation can actually be unhealthy for those who have experienced dissociation, delusions, intrusive thoughts, or visions (I don’t have all of these symptoms, just some).
I’ve actually thought about returning to a Buddhist space where I know they meditate for one hour. But I know that exposing myself to an hour’s worth of visions and messages would be so so harmful for me! Maybe meditation isn’t for everybody, y’all.
I have had the following vision a few times: a blue shirtless man is surrounded by a rainbow of colours. Sometimes, he has black light pouring into his ear. I wonder if I ought to paint this fellow, who is clearly a metaphor for my own experiences… and my insomnia actually…
I might continue to update here, but less about spirits, and more about me.
I plan to continue using tarot, my journal, and candles to create a sacred space for myself and my care routine. Beyond that… well, I hope to break through artist’s block so I can MAKE ART.
Wish me luck!