Negative Spoons

In the past few weeks, I’ve realized that the biggest reason why I get mad at spirits isn’t (necessarily) gender dysphoria or being ungrounded, it’s that often when I talk to them, I am simply out of spoons.

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At that point, I get resentful, grouchy, and cranky. I have been known to swear at them in extreme duress. Why?

I thought that I should not stop my devotions. (An example post is here.) When I was younger, I was very vulnerable to religious ideas and little in the way of discernment or self check-in processes. So I kept up my devotions, even when fresh out of the hospital for mental illness. This idea nearly broke me and I spent a night suicidal at home. When asked to explain this to my psychiatrist, I had no words to explain this insidious idea.

Years later now, I can see what my problem was.

It sucked.

Now, I miss a morning or evening meditation at least twice a week because I don’t want to hand a deity or spirit a negative spoon.

My life is much calmer now and I am happier when I do pray because, just like when a child willingly and gladly consents to hugging a loved one, consenting prayer is much more joyous and fun when I want to do it.

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