Paranoia

I’ve been thinking a lot about paranoia lately because I experience it often. I have this fear of being watched, particularly in my private moments, either in sexuality, worship, mediumship (for lack of better term), etc.

I had a vision about it the other day. It was me in the fetal position with dozens of vivid grim eyes staring at me. The spirits showed me this very quickly just to explain what the fear was manifesting as. (Usually, when speaking of my fears, the visions seem quicker than usual, partly because I don’t want to look and, partly I suspect, because the spirits don’t want to freak me out more than necessary.)

I also often get paranoid that my thoughts are not my own and/or that Lady Gwen can read my mind which have become peculiar side effects of godphoning. Even the very first day that I figured out that I have a lot more powers than I think I do–I realized I could receive visions and I realized that I could genuinely hear the Powers That Be awhile awake, I freaked out so damn hard.

I remember visiting a friend that very day and staring out her window. She had, very worriedly, asked me what was wrong. I explained it to her but there wasn’t much she could do.

The spirits have been suggesting envisioning myself on a desert island to foster a feeling of privacy. They’ve also suggested other things: not doing tarot in pubs or bars, being cautious with how and when I listen to messages from them, etc.

Even when I first came to paganism, I had started reading about astral travel. It sounded cool. Then I started delving into astral travel blogs on Tumblr and Raven Kaldera’s work. It began to sound very dangerous. I became paranoid: renewing my door ward every night, updating my wards once a month (which is too often for me but maybe not for others), fearing I was hearing voices (which I eventually literally did begin to about a year or so later), and having terrible chaotic incoherent dreams.

My beginnings in lucid dreaming were mostly, like, dream garbage and anxious stuff but I misunderstood it all as genuine input from the gods. It kinda mostly sucked but I kept at it for love of the divine. Eventually, after experiencing rape and trauma, it all imploded into me landing in the hospital several times over a period of six months.

Yep.

So…

I’m not sure how I want to conclude all that.

I mean, even when I was a kid, I used to think God was making lists about me, my actions, and how many times I burped and farted. Now though, given how much paranoia I’ve had, I’m concerned that this is not, in fact, a childhood memory, but a repeated recent memory.

Paranoia can’t be trusted. Even my anxiety, for the most part, can’t be trusted. The red flags are false.

Facts:

  • Lady Gwen does not read my mind
  • the spirits do not seem to watch me all the time, although occasionally, their sense of boundaries is off, re: occasionally talking to me in the shower or on the toilet (this is an ongoing contentious issue)
  • I do have my own thoughts!
  • I can receive visions, hear deities, have ‘pilgrimages of the heart’ to safe trance locations, practice lucid dreaming, and hear malicious voices that seem separate from Spirit and myself.
  • Art channels these energies in a healthy way

Questions:

  • I think I need to learn to articulate these fears? Do I need to tell my therapist? (Eventually? Journaling does seem pretty good tbh)

Observations

  • Sometimes, I can get hallucinations that seem mostly self-induced that are creepy, colourful, or weird. These seem to happen more when I am anxious, bored, or ungrounded.
  • I need to cultivate a sense of privacy. Journaling will help long-term. Writing is good for me!
  • I want to practice better self care by being my own doctor

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