Lots of shadow work lately. I’ve been examining old beliefs and replacing them with newer, healthier ones. I have a lot of rocky bitter stuff in my garden!
With Lady Gwen, we have been unearthing the rocks and finding the beautiful seeds in the depths of the rocky angry resentment. The seeds are the new ideas I need to plant in my garden/mind/heart. The seeds are different colours to help me differentiate them.
There are also weeds, which I’ve only just newly understood. I originally thought they were malevolent spirits out to get me. (And maybe there was one succubus demon, but I’m not sure) but the weeds seem to be bad ideas grown out of control? I’m not entirely positive yet. I *think* I have identified one but I’m as yet unclear. I am sure I will better understand soon enough.
I’ve found that now that I am healthy, it’s an okay time to do shadow work. Before, when I was furious and grieving, I would’ve just exploded and desecrated the shrine in any way I could (usually by ripping up agreements, destroying art I had made, or, once, burning a book). Things feel relatively well now though because I’ve taken the time to steady my life and do things I enjoy like drawing comics, painting with watercolour, and (new!) playing the accordion. I’m also taking breaks from my daily schedule. (The spirits and I have dubbed this my smoke break, which only works as a healthy metaphor because I don’t actually smoke cigarettes or weed).
I have had trouble with excessive visions and insomnia lately. This is partly because I occasionally take a smaller dose of my meds, which is effective if I am not overworked. I also find that I have a tendency to play with visions a bit if: (a) I haven’t played video games in awhile so I am trying to replace that entertainment with exploring a trance state or (b) I’m excessively curious about a vision because I’m asking too many questions about how the visions functions, WHY something is happening, etc.
I’m hoping that I can continue to make time for video games, the accordion, and art. I have been waking at 5 am lately to get my art in. (Replacing art with worship is such a good idea!) Last night and this morning, I went on Wikipedia binges re; Allach porcelain during WWII, Norse paganism migration, and contemporary heathen practices specifically rituals.
I discovered my local lending library the other day and picked up a French copy of Anne Frank; A life. It’s ok so far! I understand more of it than I thought I would.
Lord Odin and Lady Gwen both encourage me to research WWII because they each identify with it, for different reasons.
My angle is mostly looking at runic influences on Nazism but I’m also curious about the transgender and sexology research that Nazis destroyed and artists who were taken by the Nazis and what that meant for them. I recently read The Tattooist at Auschwitz which was an impressive read. There is a local Holocaust center here which I could go to. I haven’t been since I was a teen but I do have this thought of visiting again. I don’t really want to go alone but I also really don’t want to ask my Jewish friends to come with me…
Note/reminder to self: take dysphoria away from deities, including LO and LH. Make bedtime prayer to LH to begin clarifying the issue. Confirm with G about inability to continue Lady Aphrodite’s story because of Reasons.